My Immortal Re-Mastered
by FixedUrFic
Summary: We've all read it: the most infamous fanfic of all time. Now, experience My Immortal as you've never read it before, newly re-written with a competent voice and no errors. Re-live the story that made sane individuals around the world lament the state of modern literature and lose all faith in fanfiction as a credible medium. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is back!
1. Introduction

_**My Immortal **_**Re-Mastered: Introduction**

It is without question that Tara Gilesbie's magnum opus _My Immortal _is the most infamous work of fan fiction ever created. First submitted to in 2006, this loose re-imagining of _Harry Potter _quickly gained a massive amount of notoriety for its narrative and grammatical incompetence. Thought by many to be the worst thing ever written by human hands, it has been critiqued, sporked, and parodied an incalculable number of times. This presented a problem to me, as a fanfiction reviewer. Everything that can be said about the story, every joke that can be made, already has been. There isn't really anything that I can add at this point, and there's no need to continue beating a dead horse.

What I can offer, however, is _My Immortal _like you've never seen it before; re-mastered with proper grammar, correct spelling, and a refined literary voice. It is my intention for this project to offer the epic saga of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way as coherently as possible without compromising the author's original intent. In this way, the stupidity of the narrative might truly shine without the distraction of petty misspellings. I'd be lying if I said I was positive of how this will turn out. The grammatical failings have always been a significant part of the original story's charm, but I have a hunch that the ridiculous story beats may come off all the more absurd when juxtaposed with more competent prose. In the end, there's only one way to find out.

So join me, my friend, and re-live the legend…


	2. Chapter 1

_**My Immortal **_**Re-Mastered: Chapter 1**

Chapter I

AN: Special thanks to my totally platonic girlfriend, Raven, (otherwise known as bloodytearz666) for assisting me with the story and spelling. You rock! Justin you're the love of my depressing life. You rock too! MCR ROCKS AS WELL!

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Hello, I am Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, so named for my long ebony black hair. Streaks of purple highlight my tresses, which end in red tips as though dipped in blood. I have blue eyes, cool and limpid like frosted tears, and many people have noted that I resemble Amy Lee (AN: On the off chance that you are unfamiliar with Miss Lee, kindly remove yourself). Despite my surname, I am not related to Gerard Way. This has always struck me as unfortunate because I find him quite sexually attractive.

At this point I should note that I am also a vampire with straight, white fangs. I have pale skin and practice witchcraft at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where I am in my seventh year. My sense of style has always been quite gothic. I wear mostly black, love Hot Topic, and frequently deal in the macabre. On the day in which my story begins, I was wearing a black corset with matching lace and a black leather miniskirt. My legs and feet were clad in pink fishnets and combat boots respectively. Black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow accentuated my features.

Events first began to unfold while I was strolling the grounds between classes. Sleet poured from the sky heavy and frigid, masking the sun with thick grey clouds. All in all I was finding it quite pleasant until a group of glowering preps caught my eye. With righteous vigor, I put up my middle finger at them.

Suddenly I heard a boy's voice. "Hey, Ebony!"

I whirled to find the source. It was Draco Malfoy, a fellow Slytherin student. "What's up, Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing," he replied, averting his eyes in an attractively bashful way.

We stood there a few moments in awkward silence, unsure of what to say to each other. Then I heard my friends call me and I left him with a final wave.

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AN: Are you enjoying my first literary pursuit? Please inform me, and many thanks!


	3. Chapter 2

_**My Immortal **_**Re-Mastered: Chapter 2**

Chapter II

AN: Thanks to bloodytearz666 for helping me with the chapter! By the way, preps, stop flaming my story!

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The next day, I awoke to the patter of rain against my window. I opened the door of my coffin feeling rather parched and immediately sought to quench my thirst with the flask of blood that I kept on my nightstand. The coffin that constituted my place of rest was made of ebony and lined with hot pink velvet. Stiff from sleep, I got out of it and removed the large MCR t-shirt that I used for pajamas. Then I set about making myself decent, selecting a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets for the day. To complete the outfit, I put on four pairs of earrings and styled my hair into a messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven this is you, my friend!) had risen as well and flashed a grin in my direction. Her long raven locks were streaked with stripes of pink, and her eyes were a rich forest-green. She put on a Marilyn Manson t-shirt to go with her black mini skirt, fishnets, and high-heeled boots. We decided to coordinate our makeup, applying liberal quantities of black lipstick, white foundation, and eyeliner.

"I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday," she said, eyes flashing with excitement.

"So what?" I replied. I could feel the color rushing to my face, so I turned to hide it. When I headed out of the common room toward the great hall, she continued to press the issue.

"Do you like him?"

"Absolutely not!" I insisted.

"Yeah, right!"

I spotted Draco at the Slytherin table. Our eyes met and he got up to greet us. "Hi, Ebony" he said.

"Well hello there," I replied.

"Guess what! Good Charlotte is holding a concert in Hogsmeade."

"Oh my god," I said. I positively adore Good Charlotte. They are my favorite band, aside from My Chemical Romance.

"Well... would you like to accompany me?" he asked.

I gasped.


	4. Chapter 3

_**My Immortal **_**Re-Mastered: Chapter 3**

Chapter III

AN: I INSIST THAT YOU STOP FLAMMING MY STORY, PREPS! Otherwise, many thanks to all of my gothic comrades for the good reviews! AND THANKS AGAIN, RAVEN! By the way, I do not own Harry Potter or the lyrics to any of the Good Charlotte songs featured in this chapter.

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On the night of the concert, I donned my ripped red fishnets and high-heeled boots. With them I wore a black leather mini skirt, a corset, and matching fishnet on my arms. Then I straightened and spiked my hair.

I had been feeling rather depressed that day, so I slit one of my wrists and indulged in some melancholy literature while I waited for it to stop bleeding. Afterward I put on some Good Charlotte to soothe me as I did my nails and makeup. The loss of blood left me pale enough that I didn't need foundation, but also left me with quite a thirst. I took one last swig from my blood flask before heading to the concert.

Outside, I found Draco leaning casually on his car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt—for they would play at the show as well—baggy black skater pants, black nail polish, and a touch of eyeliner (AN: many high-class young men wear it these days.)

"Hello, Draco," I said, in my most morose and gothic tone.

He greeted me and we entered his black Mercedes-Benz. In passing, I noticed that the license plate read "666." On the way to Hogsmeade, we listened to Good Charlotte and snorted several lines of crack to get the blood flowing, so to speak. Upon arriving, we wormed our way through to the front of the crowd and moshed to the music.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life."

The lead's voice was mesmerizing (all credit for the lyrics belongs to Good Charlotte.)

"Joel is quite seductive," I said to Draco.

Draco nodded in agreement, but his face was tinged with sadness.

"What's wrong?" I asked. The event was so lively that at first I couldn't imagine what had gotten him down. Then I understood. "Draco, I could never prefer Joel over you," I assured him.

"Really?" He put a protective arm around my shoulders.

"Really," I said. "Besides, I've never met Joel personally, and he's already engaged in courtship with Hilary Duff. I cannot abide that harlot." Just the thought of her unappealing blondeness made my stomach turn.

From that point on, the rest of the evening went quite well, with both of us enjoying out time together immensely. After the concert, we had a few drinks, purchased a few T-shirts, and got our picture taken with the band. Thoroughly exhausted, Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz. However, several minutes into the drive, it occurred to me that we were not returning to Hogwarts. Instead Draco was leading us straight into the Forbidden Forest!


	5. Chapter 4

_**My Immortal **_**Re-Mastered: Chapter 4**

Chapter IV

AN: I thought I asked you to stop flaming. Ebony's name is EBONY not Mary Sue! DRACO IS SO ENAMORED WITH HER that he is acting differently than in the books. They've known each other for quite some time!

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"Draco!" I cried in alarm. "What in heaven's name do you think you are doing?"

Draco said nothing. He merely parked the car and got out. I followed, too curious for my own good.

"What is going on?" I demanded.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?"

Draco leaned in so close to me that I could see his real eyes through the static pupil of his gothic red contacts. There was so much sorrow and wickedness in them that I couldn't bring myself to be angry anymore. I was frozen, awestruck, as he drew me closer and kissed me. Such passion! Our fervid tango led us to a tree, where we proceeded to make out for an extensive period. Very soon we were removing each other's clothes and then, at last, we were lovers for the first time.

The climax was approaching. My body was awash with sensation as he kissed me. I cried his name and then—

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"

In a panic, we scrambled to hide ourselves from the newcomer. We couldn't believe our eyes.

It was Dumbledore!


	6. Chapter 5

_**My Immortal **_**Re-Mastered: Chapter 5**

Chapter V

AN: Stop flaming! If you flame it is indicative of your true nature as an insidious prep. The only reason Dumbledore used profanity is because he was suffering a headache and had just found his students fornicating! Henceforth, I refuse to update until I get five positive reviews!

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As we followed Dumbledore out of the forest, he chastised us quite furiously. "You ludicrous fools!" he said.

I cried tears of blood down my pallid face, and Draco tried to comfort me. When we finally returned to the castle, Dumbledore brought us before professors Snape and McGonagall, who both looked rather cross.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest," Dumbledore announced.

"Why would you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" demanded Professor McGonagall.

"Indeed," said Snape.

I didn't know what to say, but Draco stepped forward. "Because I love her!" he said.

A sudden silence gripped the room. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still seemed upset, but Professor Snape had heard enough. "Very well. You may return to your rooms."

We turned to go, well aware of Dumbledore's furious glare following us as we left. "Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked.

"Yes," I said, but it was a lie. I left him when we reached the girl's dorm and got ready for bed, selecting a low-cut black dress trimmed with red lace, and a pair of black heels. Upon leaving the bathroom, however, I found Draco waiting for me. He began singing "I Just Wanna Live" by Good Charlotte, and I was so flattered that I didn't even care that he was forbidden from the girl's dormitory. Lovingly, I kissed him one last time before he returned to his room.


	7. Chapter 6

_**My Immortal **_**Re-Mastered: Chapter 6**

Chapter VI

AN: Silence preps! I refuse to update until you give me positive reviews!

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The next day, I awoke in my coffin and put on a ripped miniskirt and skull top. I selected two pairs of skull earrings to match, and then sprayed my hair with streaks of purple.

In the Great Hall, I devoured a bowl of Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk. Without warning, I was bumped from behind and splashed with blood from my breakfast. At first I was furious. "Bastard!" I yelled, whirling to face whoever had accosted me. However, upon discovering the perpetrator I immediately regretted the haste with which I leapt to anger. I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair. He was wearing so much eyeliner that it ran down his face, contrasting against his skin with his black lipstick. His red contact regarded me curiously, looking very much like Draco's, and he scratched anxiously at the stubble on his chin in a way that reminded me of Joel Madden. So taken was I by this young man that my body was at once both hot and cold. I found myself thinking that had I been a boy, I would have experienced a more physical reaction. But of course, as a woman, such a response was quite unlikely.

When he spoke it was with a sensual English accent. "I'm so sorry," he said.

"That's all right," I replied. "What's your name?"

"Harry Potter. Although most people call me Vampire these days," he said.

"Why?"

"Because I love the taste of human blood." He giggled as he said it, in a way that I found rather appealing.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?"

"Yes!"

We sat together and talked for quite some time until Draco came to collect me. He said he had a surprise, so I bid farewell to Vampire Potter and scampered off with him.


	8. Chapter 7

**My Immortal Re-Mastered: Chapter 7**

Chapter VII: Bring Me to Life

AN: Alright, dear readers. I have received five positive reviews and shall resume the story. However, I will not write the next until I receive ten. Please refrain from flaming or I shall report you. Ebony is not a perfect Mary sue, she is a SATANIST with real problems! She's depressed for God's sake!

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Draco and I held hands as we ascended the stairs. Our nails were a matching black, and I had spent some time painting red pentagrams onto mine that morning. (AN: See? Does that sound like something a Mary Sue would do?) I noticed vampire and waved to him, but he did not return the gesture. His eyes were sullen and full of misery. Could he be jealous that I was going out with Draco?

At any rate, Draco and I continued our trek to his bedroom, locking the door behind us when we arrived. Then we began to fornicate. (See, is that stupid?) It was in the throes of passion that I noticed a strange tattoo on Draco's arm—a black heart with an arrow through it. In it, in bloody gothic writing, was the word "Vampire!"

"You bastard!" I cried, leaping from the bed.

"No! You don't understand!" Draco said.

It was no use. I had seen too much. "You damnable idiot!" I said. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

In a huff, I put on my garments and stomped out. Draco followed without the slightest consideration for the fact that he was still very much naked. His sizable manhood swayed gracefully, but I was too furious to care. I marched all the way down to the potions classroom and threw open the door.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I said.


	9. Chapter 8

**My Immortal Re-Mastered: Chapter 8**

Chapter VIII

AN: Refrain from flaming! If you flame, then you are most certainly a prep!

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The tense silence of the classroom was broken as Draco burst in, still completely naked.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" he cried.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith shot me a sympathetic smile from where she was sitting. She had waist-length black hair, red contacts, and pale skin made even paler by her makeup. Years ago, she had gone by the name Hermione Granger, but the murder of her vampire birth mother by Voldemort and her father's subsequent suicide had left her tormented by nightmares. She'd converted to Satanism shortly after and transferred to Slytherin house.

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit?" Snape demanded. His tone was cold but furious.

I ignored him. "Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I said.

My fellow classmates were justly shocked by this revelation and let out a chorus of gasps. Draco merely looked confused.

"I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" Vampire insisted.

"Lies! Slander!" I cried. "Fornicate with yourself, bastard!" I then fled the castle and returned to the place in the Forbidden Forest where I had shared myself with Draco. The memory was both sweet and tainted by his treachery. Overcome with conflicting emotion, I wept.


	10. Chapter 9

**My Immortal Re-mastered: Chapter 9**

ChapterIX

AN: Please stop flaming. I am not familiar with the books, hence the discrepancies. All of these events are based on the film series, so any differences in Dumbledore's behavior are not my doing! Besides, I think I made it quite clear that he had a headache. The reason that Snape doesn't like Harry is because he is a Christian and Vampire is a Satanist! My Chemical Romance is exceptional!

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As I mourned the collapse of my first true love affair I was made witness to a horrible sight. A terrifying man, with no nose (like Voldemort in the film) and red eyes, was approaching fast on a broomstick. He was clad in all black, but it was clear he was not of the Gothic persuasion. It was Voldemort!

"No!" I said. "It can't be!"

"Imperius!" cried the dark lord. And with that I was frozen in place.

Desperately I cast my most powerful spell. "Crookshanks!"

Voldemort fell from his broom and let out a morbid scream. It was so anguished that I might have felt sympathy had I not been a sadist.

"Ebony," he said. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

In this moment of peril my thoughts leapt to Vampire, his sensual eyes, his hair as dark as night, his resemblance to Joel Madden. Draco had said that I didn't understand. Had I been wrong to judge so quickly? Only one thing was certain: I must live long enough to find out. "No, Voldemort!" I replied.

Voldemort brandished a gun and approached as if to give it to me.

"No! I won't!"

"Thou must!" he said. "If thou refuse, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"H-how do you know about Draco?" I said.

Voldemort's face twisted into a most demeaning and arrogant leer. "I hath telekinesis," he answered cruelly, "Complete the task that I have assigned."

He disappeared as quickly as he had come, leaving me baffled and afraid. What was I to do?

Just then Draco appeared.

"Draco!" I said. "Are you okay?"

His face was a mask of despair and his eyeliner was smudged. "No."

"Forgive me," I said, throwing my arms around him.

"Of course."

Together once more, we returned to the castle, making out the whole way.


	11. Chapter 10

**My Immortal Re-Mastered: Chapter 10**

Chapter X

AN: Silence homosexuals! If you do not enjoy my narrative then go fornicate with yourselves. P.S. As it turns out, B'loody Mary is not a muggle after all. She and Vampire are evil, which is why they moved houses!

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My encounter with Voldemort haunted me all day, even through my band rehearsal. I am the lead singer and guitarist for Gothic Bloody Rose 666. People say that we sound like a cross between Good Charlotte, Slipknot, and MCR. My fellow bandmates include B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (though he has since died his hair black and changed his name to Diablo) and Hagrid. Draco and Vampire were too depressed to show up, so the rest of us spent the time writing songs. Draco was probably slitting his wrists (and quite safely, given that he was a vampire) and Vampire was probably watching The Corpse Bride. I wore a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs, and a tiny matching miniskirt that said 'Simple Plan' on the rear. One might mistake me for a harlot, but that would be far from the truth.

Just as we were finishing a cover of "Helena" I burst into tears.

"Ebony, are you alright?" B'loody Mary asked.

"Evidently not!" I said. "That damned scoundrel Voldemort has tasked me with murdering Harry, but I simply cannot bring myself to do it. If I don't kill him Voldemort will kill Draco instead!" Tears streamed down my face.

Suddenly Draco leapt out from behind a wall. "How could you keep this from me?" he said. "Y- you deceitful muggle-spawn!" (See? Is that out of character?) Clearly distressed, Draco began to cry as well. Then he fled without a word further.

We resumed our practice as if nothing had happened. Not an hour had passed before Dumbledore stormed in, eyes ablaze with fury. Surely a headache was not the culprit this time.

"What have you done?" he demanded. "Draco has been found in his room. He's slit his wrists and bled to death!"


	12. Chapter 11

**My Immortal Re-Mastered: Chapter 11**

Chapter XI

AN: I said stop flaming, you preps! Just wait and see if this chapter is stupid. It deals with very serious issues. By the way, thanks to my friend Raven for assisting me!

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"NO!" I cried in horror.

B'loody Mary tried to comfort me, but I would hear none of it. Then I ran to my room in tears. Dumbledore chased after me but halted just outside the girls' dormitory to avoid looking like a pervert.

Tears of blood spilled down my face and I slit both of my wrists in anguish. Soon my clothes were stained irreparably, so I stripped down, put on a Linkin Park song, and hopped into the bath. Consumed with depression, I contemplated sticking a stake through my heart so that I might be with my beloved Draco once more. After some time, I got out and put on my favorite ripped black dress with heels and skull earrings. I could not believe it…

Just then, a tapping on the window caught my attention. I peered out and was startled to find Snape hovering outside with a video camera. He was spying on me! And Lupin was there as well, pleasuring himself!

"Deviants!" I cried. "Cease your perversions this instant! Have you no shame?" I scrambled to cover myself with my Marilyn Manson towel just as Vampire burst in.

"Abra Kedavra!" he said, aiming his wand at the intruders. I whipped out my gun from its secret hiding place and fired at them. They screamed in anguish. The camera slipped from Snape's grasp and smashed against the window frame.

Then Dumbledore arrived. "Ebony," he said. "It has been revealed that someone has—" his eyes fell upon the offending pair and his face twisted into a mask of rage. "No, you fools!" He whipped his wand in their direction, but before his spell could be cast Hagrid appeared on his broomstick.

"Everyone, we need to talk," he said.

"What do you know, Hargrid?" snapped Snape. 'You're just a little Hogwarts student!"

"I may be a student…" Hagrid said indignantly, "but I am also a satanist!"

"This cannot be," Snape said. "There must be other factors."

"YOU HAVE NONE!" I cried.

Lupin held up the camera in triumph. "The lens may be ruined, but the tape is still there!"

I felt faint, as though deprived of blood.

"Why are you here, Hagrid?" Loopin snapped, rubbing his filthy hands on his crotch.

"Because…"

For a moment Hagrid seemed unsure of how to respond, but then a strange strength seemed to seize him. He waved his wand in the air dramatically and began to sing a gothic rendition of a 50 Cent song.

"Because you're gothic?" Snape asked.

"No…" said Hagrid. "Because I love her!"


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